Jim Riggins
Jim Riggins's JournalA bit long but please give it a try. I hope it will bring about a few chuckles or grimaces
Life for the Mega-Wealthy
By Jim Riggins, The Accidental Conservative
Go to Naples, Florida, Monterey, California or Martha’s Vineyard, whoever owns it, and tell me the wealthy are not doing well. They live in castles. Yes, castles. Float around the canals of Naples, Florida and take a look at row upon row of multi-million dollar homes. Then turn around and look at their multi-million dollar yachts. They might also have some of those Skidoo things tied up somewhere around the yacht. They might even have one of those modern-day Miami-Vice looking speed-boats that Crocket and Tubbs used to fight crime. I assume there’s a Porche or Ferrari parked out front.
Amazon’s billionaire CEO, Jeff Bezos, makes around $30,000 every ten seconds. You read that right, my most-perceptive reader. 30K in ten seconds every minute of every day and Trumpsters want to give him and people like him more tax-cuts because they’re having a tough time making the rent. One billion hours ago puts us in the Stone Age, reader, should one be inclined to believe as much. A person with a billion dollars can spend one-thousand dollars every single day for 2,740 years. Generations upon generations can live very well on one billion dollars. And this does not take into account the income this amount of money throws off.
I suggest that you, the reader, check with a certified-financial advisor to confirm as much, but when you retire with one-billion dollars in the bank, you will be able to withdraw about four-million dollars of interest a year without ever touching the principal, or what most of us call the balance.
That is 83K a week, my most-Trumpian brothers and sisters. That amount will buy a fella an awesome bass-boat every week of the year without ever touching what’s in the bank. Imagine if you had twenty or thirty billion dollars. That, my man, will buy a whole lot of fishing poles, monster trucks and fr*gg*n fan-boats with nitrous-injected big-blocks and Teflon bottoms. Those babies will go down the highway, boater. They actually will. They have Teflon on the bottom.
I divided the 2,740 figure from above by 80 or what is about the average lifetime these days in America give or take a couple years. If I divide 2,740 by 80 because I used 80 above, I get 91. That means, dearest reader, that Dracula can spend $1,000 dollars a day for 91 human lifetimes should he find himself with one-billion dollars as vampires often seem to do. He has all the babes, lots of money, nice hair and Trump cult members still want to give Dracula a tax-cut? Nice.
Reader, do you know how you feel when you get your hands on a new, crispy one-hundred dollar bill? A really crispy one from the bank that has no creases or tears. It might have been printed that very morning it’s so perfect. My go-to line when I hand one to a person is: “Careful. I just printed it this morning, so watch the ink.” It’s just what I say. I’m not sure why.
You ever have ten of those beauties at one time in your possession? You splay them out in your hand and shake your butt as you think about all the stuff you can buy the family or just going out and blow it with your pals in one night on liquor and ladies. Of course, you’ll have to break at least one of those beauties for dollar bills, won’t you, bro? Wink. Wink.
One-million worth of $100 dollars bills will fit nicely into a metal briefcase. If you don’t believe me, watch Kill Bill, Volume One. Daryl Hannah, AKA, California Mountain Snake, put one-million dollars worth of $100 bills into a briefcase. I’m not sure about the black mamba, but I did some research on the internet and it turns out one can indeed put one-million of C-Notes into a standard metal briefcase. For my more visually-inclined readers, you will need ten four-by-four foot cubes to haul around one-billion worth of Benjamins.
For my more rural brothers and sisters, that is about five cords of crispy one-hundred dollar bills. As a kid, I got the opportunity to stack a lot of wood. I know a cord of any bill is a s***load of money, but I’m talking about the ones with all those zeros.
There are people in this country who actually have dump-truck loads of crispy one-hundred dollar bills and, yet, scream for fewer environment regulations, lower taxes and a more-servile labor force so they can make even more money drilling, draining and despoiling any land where there is a way to make money despite very explicit commands not to do so.
On a side-note, playah slayah. According to data compiled by Bloomberg, wealth for the top 500 billionaires in the world grew 24% to $5.38 billion in 2017. In other words, the very wealthy did just fine in 2017, despite everything you hear about democrats over-regulating the country. Which of you readers were billionaires in 2017 and increased your wealth 24% simply by having lots of money? Which of you readers increased your wealth 24% in 2017 at all?
If you are still with me, neighbor, I must go off on one more rant about one house in this great nation of ours and water-usage by the very-wealthy in this country. I am, after all, feeling a tad unhinged at the moment. On a tachometer that goes up to 8,000 RPMs, I am at about 3,000 RPMs.
At the time of this screed, the rant kind, not the level-floor kind, a house is on the market somewhere in this great country of ours for $245,000,000, which will buy 980 250k homes. I like the Pelican State because I like good food, alligators and boats with V-8s attached to them, so let’s go with the average household income in Louisiana. It is $46,000 a year, which if I divide into $245,000,000, get 5,326.
That means the average family in Louisiana who earns $46,000 a year and keeps every penny of that 46K, which won’t happen, will have to save every penny it earns for 5,326 years to afford a $245,000,000 house. And I’ll bet you, reader, the chucklehead owner of that estate still wants tax-cuts and fewer regulations. I hope the buyer’s inspection guy finds termites and water damage.
Stay with me, reader. Stay with me. I am now revved up and moving rapidly towards 3,200 RPMs but am well-lubed for the ride if you know what I mean, brah?
Almost five-thousand RPMs from red-lining, I reached into the drawer in front of me at my desk, alakazam alakazoo, dug through what seemed to be a lot of crap and pulled out a typical calculator that I bought at Staples years ago but still works and doesn’t pollute the environment because it runs on solar and not coal. Just flew in from Cleveland, seat-hog guy.
I tried to type $245,000,000 into its display, but the old device could produce only eight digits when I needed nine for the ef**kingnormous figure above. How much could it possibly cost per-unit to add one more digit to a calculator? Seemingly foiled, I dropped my eyes to the Excel icon on the task-bar, considered the little X for .00001 of a second then retrieved my phone from the charger. Though, you have to turn your phone sideways to accommodate such a large number.
Then using highly-complex mathematics and several algorithms that I developed recently, I computed that $1,000,000,000 will buy a family a whole lot of toys. Remember our $245,000,000 estate from above, reader? With one-billion dollars, a family can buy four of those bad boys.
Remember the bass-boat from above, my most-ardent fishing enthusiast? At a cool 83K a piece, one-billion dollars will buy a family over twelve thousand of those babies. As of today, one billion dollars will buy 12,500 top-end, heavy-duty, diesel-powered trucks with every bell and whistle a family could ever want in a truck.
We are talking duel wheels, towing packages, entertainment systems and headlights high enough to blind the f**k out of any driver in front of you at the stoplight, driver. 12,500, baby. And every last one of those m**********rs will take up at least four spots at Home Depot any day of the week and twice on Sunday so kiss my ass, commie b***h. Anyone know who Rick Flair is cause it’d sure help if you did right now?
Remember our one-billion figure from above, reader? One billion is a thousand millions because there are three more zeros attached to a billion than a million. Therefore, one-billion is a thousand billions. Not so difficult is it, my friend? So imagine how many zeros are in a zillion billion
.
Then using more mathematical equations that few readers would understand, I divided the volume of a cube into one-billion dollars then multiplied that number by ten to determine how many cubes we’ll all need for one-billion dollars and got 625 billion, which I assumed was incorrect and gave up.
Finally, a guy with one billion-dollars can buy an Army, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard and a Corps of Marines just to make sure, like our nation’s Marines who storm beaches, kill everybody and don’t take a single name. Oorah, reader!
Should one person have this much wealth in America? I assume that Mr. Bezos is not going to buy an army and rule the world, but he will be able to buy aircraft-carriers, nuclear-powered submarines and F-35 jets with that mountain of money. This realization, of course, led me to wonder at the time of writing how much for a self-propelled howitzer with 600-volts of on-board power generation, high-voltage electric gun drives and a fr*ck*n projectile ramming system. I have no idea what projectile ramming systems are but I like’em already.
And if any of any readers have a problem with America fielding the most powerful military the world has ever seen, that is just too bad. Powerful countries like China and Russia threaten our families and nation’s interests around the world every day. I support a stronger social-safety net that billionaires can fund without even feeling it, but we need a powerful military to protect us from danger. Is that a big 10-4, good buddy?
Many Americans will not vote for a party that doesn’t protect our families, liberals. And, please stop talking about getting rid of our nukes. Russia, China and North Korea have thousands that they will never dismantle regardless of what the idiot in the White House said. I promise. You are hurting the party and, therefore, the country. Ergo, get on board or get out the f**k out of the way, my most-liberal neighbor. You are scaring people away from the Democratic Party and, if you noticed, we’re the only party in town defending the nation’s ramparts at the moment.
A guess the trump cult was right.
One More Uppity Public Service Announcement
By Jim Riggins, The Accidental Conservative
As another overture to the Trump Party, we democrats want to point out another threat to the nation we discovered and for which we propose a solution. Threat, you ask? In Austin, Texas at this very moment, there are millions of commie, Mexican free-tailed bats hiding out under a bridge. I stood and watched them fly out once. And I stood and I stood and I stood and them bats never stopped coming out of their little commie hidey-hole. And who has any idea what Mexican bats do once they fly out into the dead of night? And bats are icky. Everybody knows that.
But these bats we’re talking about are small, so I think we can take out most with simple shotguns as soon as they emerge from their hideout.
They are little critters, so we assume dove-shot will work. Perhaps a 7 ½ or 8. My DD-214 says Expert Marksman, so I would like to join in the fun. We can line up bubbas for as far as the eye can see. We can have them come in waves to allow the first shooters to reload just like we was using muskets. And what the f**k is more American than a musket, my near-sighted Trumpian brothers and sisters?
Shotguns hold so few rounds, however, and are slow to load, so we need to look into fat-boy magazines that hold a serious amount of firepower. We assume the Trump party can provide these. Other suggestions are flame throwers, rockets launchers and several of us suggested a small, tactical nuclear strike.
We need only take out one grid. We can take out the Mexican bats and the socialist regime in Austin at the same time. More bang for the buck so to speak. And ain’t there one of them commie places of higher-learning there? Some university or another. Can anyone say hat-trick? We assume nuclear weapons do not come cheaply. However, we propose hitting Dayton, Omaha and Bakersfield in one coordinated strike as well.
The general-consensus is that we spare the rest of California’s coastline, however. Many of us like Monterey. Moreover, we have marines and sailors in San Diego. Though, we are prepared to give up any liberal place in Kansas or Oklahoma to meet the Trump Party halfway. We also ask that Trumpsters spare Washington, D.C., Philadelphia and Boston. Like the rest of the country, we are tired of the Patriots, but we should only make one coast inhabitable at any one time.
Finally, we are also prepared to give up the OK Corral, the petrified forest and all fire-ants for the Carolinas and at least the southern part of Florida. I really like Lynyrd Skynyrd, so I may have to push back on the northern thing. And Ronnie would have destroyed Putin. Though, we will give up Bakersfield in return. We also want to protect at least small parts of our grand-children’s prairies, wetlands, rain forests, purple mountains, badlands, Great Lakes, most of their clean air, some of their fresh water, deserts that aren’t really hot, swamplands and any oceans white with foam among other places. We can discuss these.
"Forget your lust for the rich man's gold
All that you need is in your soul
And you can do this, oh baby, if you try
All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied"
A questionnaire for our Trump Cult friends
The Rapture
By Jim Riggins, The Accidental Conservative
Again, this section is not part of the questionnaire (from another article related to this one). We non-believers just need answers about an event that is sure to ruin the day for many of us. We have no idea when the Rapture thing will happen. For instance, will it happen next Tuesday? December 18th of this year? Next summer around the 4th of July? The suspense is killing us. Out of fear more than anything else, we non-believers have coalesced around a few questions we need answered. They are:
• If both pilots of the plane we sinners are on suddenly beam up to Heaven mid-flight, what should we non-believers do? Push the call-button for help or just brace for impact?
• Isn’t it ironic that preppers don’t need to prep for the greatest disaster to ever hit earth?
• When Believers go to Heaven, do they shoot up like Superman, fade slowly or just blink out of existence? Many of us think they will dissolve into air like on the Enterprise.
• Does anyone know how many people are needed to run a nuclear power plant?
• How long does the Rapture take? Seconds? Days? Seven for instance? If we are going to Hell, the general-consensus among us sinners is that we want the whole thing over with as quickly as possible.
• What if our home-owners’ associations do not allow the Rapture?
• Does Amazon ship to Hell?
• Will we get data there?
• Will there be places in Hell to recharge our phones like at the airport?
• Should we stop all mail and for how long?
• What does Satan really think about grabbin’em by the p***y, slayah?
• Can we bring anything for Satan that he can’t get in Hell?
• On our way to Hell, will any of us sinners get trampled by good Christians who thought they were going elsewhere?
• Isn’t it ironic that Trump Christians are going to Hell?
• Do lost Amazonian tribesman who never got a chance to be saved still have to go to Hell? What about Jewish tribesmen? Nazis won’t find them if they’re lost. How will this affect the Rapture?
• This is a bit off the subject but what unlucky sap on the Ark got stuck collecting all the spiders?
• Finally, if we’re in the shower during the Rapture, can we at least towel-off and get dressed before we go to Hell? Eternity is a long time to be naked even without shrinkage being a problem.
A bit of my writing. I hope it makes at least one person chuckle.
Voter Fraud in Georgia
By Jim Riggins, The Accidental Conservative
There was voter fraud in the 2018 elections, reader, and I am here to expose it all. How do I know there was voter fraud? I know because I voted as five different personalities in one precinct on the outskirts of Atlanta, and for this, reader, I am sorry.
For my scam, I brought along four costumes to change into after I voted in the previous character. I chose a precinct on the outskirts of Atlanta that looked susceptible to voter fraud and set things into motion. Below are the five characters I used to perpetrate my crime.
Myself: I look like Brad Pitt in Achilles only much more handsome. I voted twenty-one times as myself and got seventeen phone numbers.
Mexican Man: I was a little tall for this character but duped the commie monitors at the precinct. During one summer in high school, my family went to Disney Land then somehow ended up in Tijuana buying inexpensive wares from the locals. One of which, of course, was a sombrero. I dug that bad boy out of my mom’s attic for my ruse. Even after thirty years, the round, black hat still had its shape and most of its sequins.
I wore those boots some Mexican men wear with the pointy toes, dyed my hair black and pasted on a Poncho Villa mustache. To deepen the subterfuge, I donned a colorful poncho, slung a six-shooter on my right hip and carried a bottle of tequila in one hand. I don’t do impersonations or speak Spanish, so I perfected one line and stayed with it the whole time. Whenever a person spoke to me, I answered with, “Wass’up, Holmes?” Finally, I drove up in a low-rider that I borrowed from a friend. I was quite proud of this character and voted ten times since I was there.
Construction Worker: This one took a little preparation, but I found much of what I needed at a second-hand store. But first, I headed back out to the car where I stripped to my skivvies, buzzed off my black hair and removed the Poncho Villa outfit. I found a yellow hard-hat at the second-hand store first. Then I found a pair of faded jeans and a pair of scuffed-up work-boots. A couple weeks before, I ordered a leather tool-belt off Amazon and bought a collection of hammers, screw-drivers and other hand-tools to accessorize it. Once decked out, I returned to the school gymnasium from where I parked out in the deep shadows. As I walked, I shouted, “looking good today, mama,” at all the babes. I used this character to vote fourteen times.
Muslim Woman in a Burka. I’m fairly tall to be a woman, as well, but I carried it off, so I’m pleased with my deception. I chose a Burka with the mesh across my eyes to further hide my identity. Finally, in the best female voice I could muster, I nodded and said “as-Salam Alaikum” a lot. The monitors didn’t know what to do and pointed me to a voting booth before I exploded. I voted fifteen times in this character.
Queen’s Guard: This one also took some preparation as I had to get hold of one of those red jackets, a tall, black, fuzzy hat and learn to stand completely still for several hours at a time, while tourists tell me stupid jokes. Standing motionless when my nose itched took a lot of work. My first inclination was to go as a Jedi Knight because of that mind-control thing. I could convince everybody that I really wasn’t there, but that seemed like cheating. When I commit voter fraud, I like to be honest about it. I voted thirty-two times as this character, which is a personal best going back three decades.
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Member since: Thu Jul 18, 2019, 05:14 PMNumber of posts: 23